Finding Men That Are Interested in More Than Just Sex

Most women—and most men, by the way—do not understand why men are often pre-occupied with sex. We tend to believe that the problem is an irresistible biological urge. And sure, there is a large biological component, but that’s far from the whole story.

What men want most is a feeling that they’re loved unconditionally. They want unconditional love—what I call “Real Love”—just like women do. When they can’t get that—which is the case with almost all men—they go looking for whatever form of Imitation Love (anything that we use to fill the emptiness caused by a lack of Real Love) they can find, and for whatever sense of connection or closeness they can find.

Here’s when men run into a problem. See, women learn from the time they’re little girls how to connect emotionally with the people around them, and part of that is that they’re taught that connecting emotionally is all right. They have permission to express how they feel—it’s perfectly acceptable, for example, for young girls to cry. They can ask for help. They can say they don’t know something. They can ask for directions. They can even express emotional neediness.

But heaven help a BOY who tries to do the same things. That’s entirely different. Go out on a school playground during recess and watch the boys interact with each other. They’ve already mastered the male macho thing: They act tough, they have a pecking order, and the currency of their games is power. If a boy cries, or expresses his needs, he is instantly and thoroughly condemned. A boy who cries is a sissy. And it gets worse for men. Ask any man what would happen if he walked into a locker room and said, “You know, I’m feeling empty and scared.” He would be a social leper.

So, many men—perhaps most—soon discover that there is only one socially acceptable way for them to feel emotionally close to another human being: sex. Even though the sensation is very brief, during sex men can achieve a sense of intense connection to a woman. Sure, it’s also a great source of physical pleasure, but it’s the emotional connection that keeps them returning to women again and again. If it were the physical pleasure alone that mattered most, they could accomplish that without a woman.

The problem here is that without sufficient Real Love (unconditional love), sex uniformly becomes a substitute for Real Love.

It becomes a form of Imitation Love, and that is a formula for disaster.

In the beginning, both men and women get so much Imitation Love from sex—usually in the form of praise, power, and pleasure—that both partners are CERTAIN they’ve found genuine happiness. The positive feelings are powerful. What they don’t realize is that with Imitation Love those feelings will ALWAYS wear off, and then they’re left with nothing—actually worse than nothing, because they’re left with disappointment, anger, even a sense of betrayal.

Now, back to your specific situation. All around you, women are attracting men with sex. Everywhere. You see it on television, in movies, on magazine covers, and in the daily actions of your friends and others. And, in the absence of Real Love, it’s only natural that they would do that. Women get an enormous sense of praise and power—and some pleasure—from offering sex, and men obviously get pleasure, as well as some praise and power. The exchange is huge—almost irresistible—and you’ve noticed that if you don’t offer what all the other women are offering—if, in your words, you don’t “put out”—most men tend to leave. On the other hand, if you do “put out,” they don’t stay for long. That’s because that initial rush—the emotional and physical high of sex alone—never lasts.

So what’s the solution? Almost all dating advice is about how to play the game better. Wrong. It’s not how you play the game that matters. It’s a matter of not playing the game at all. The moment you choose to play the game of Imitation Love, you’re doomed. Let’s say you’re the perfect sexual object—on a scale of 10, you’re a 12—and you know exactly how much sex to offer, and when. You are a master of the game. And you know how to do every other thing to get a guy to like you. You’re still doomed, because all that manipulation can still get you only Imitation Love, and it will wear off.

You’re probably already playing the game. You’re already offering sex to men, and how’s that working out? You’re advertising yourself as a sexual object, and then when that aspect of the relationship gets old, your partner is understandably disappointed.

So what can you do? Be yourself. Tell the truth about yourself, including your mistakes, flaws, fears. Not all at once, but gradually and sensibly.

Read the book, Real Love in Dating, and you’ll get some great ideas about how to be honest in a relationship from the beginning.

Absolutely avoid having sex with a man until you’re married to him. I’m making no moral or religious judgment here. I’m only sharing with you the wisdom gleaned from the experiences of millions of people, including yourself. You have already proven that having sex as a way of attracting men doesn’t work. When you’re trying to find a relationship based on Real Love, having sex early on is simply distracting and confusing.

If you do offer sex, you will attract the kind of man who is looking for sex as a substitute for Real Love. Duh. And that is not what you want.

If, on the other hand, you make a decision to quit playing the game of Imitation Love—if you make a commitment to hold out until you’re married before you have sex with a man—you’ll discover that you won’t keep attracting men interested in that superficial substitute for Real Love. If you do occasionally attract a man who pushes you to have sex with him, think about it. If he’s pushing you to have sex before you’re in a committed long-term relationship—like marriage—what is he telling you? Who is he thinking about, you or him? Do you want a relationship with someone who is willing to shove your happiness aside for his own selfish interests?

By choosing the path of Real Love, it might take you longer to find a partner. Maybe. But Real Love is always worth waiting for. And what if it does take longer? What prize do you get for being the first on your block to attract one superficial man after another? There’s no prize here for speed, only quality. Be calm, be patient—and do whatever it takes to get what you really want. Don’t sell out for the short-term satisfaction of just any old relationship. It ain’t worth it.

The world is literally dying from a lack of the one thing essential for our happiness—Real Love. We spend our entire lives trying to replace that unconditional love with praise, power, sex, money, entertainment, safety, and so on. But it never works, and the resulting emptiness and fear are almost too much to bear.

We don’t have to live like this anymore. Greg Baer and RealLove.com are teaching (1) the real cause of fear and anger and (2) how to find this Real Love that replaces the fear, anger, and conflict in our lives with peace, confidence, and genuine happiness.

Dr. Greg Baer is the author of 16 books, DVDs, and CDs—two of which are internationally published by Penguin Putnam Group—and has presented the life-changing message of Real Love to hundreds of thousands of people all over the world.