How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex - So They Will Listen

For many parents, the very thought of discussing sex with their children causes sweaty palms and sends chills down their spine.

“How will I know what to say?”

“When is the right age?”

“What if they laugh at me?”

“Should I use some sort of book?”

These are just a few questions parents have asked me while serving as a church youth director and counselor. While it can seem awkward at first, if you are intentional about the sex talk, you can create a positive rapport with your child. Discussing sex with your kids is more than just education. It creates an openness within your communication. You want to send the message that “If I can talk to my parents about sex, then I can talk to them about anything.”

What not to do:

1. Don’t embarrass them

This can happen when parents discuss their own sexual experiences with their children. The teens I see will share more about sex with me than their parents, because they have felt embarrassed by their parents’ behaviors. Your role is to be a facilitator of sexual discussion, not a reporter.

2. Don’t lecture them and attempt to make them conform to your standards

No one likes to be controlled by another person. This is especially true with teens. If they feel controlled, most will likely say one thing to your face and do the opposite. There is no way that you are going to “make” your teens behave the way you want them to, as no other adult can make you do something you do not want to do. Rather, use this time to have serious discussions with your teen about healthy sexuality. Have a true dialogue with them, raising their awareness of the consequences of their decisions.

3. Don’t wait until your children are adolescents to begin talking about sex

What is the right age to start talking about sex? When your children start to ask questions. Even preschoolers will ask where babies come from. Answer them in a simple matter of fact manner. To tell them they will have to wait until they are older stifles their desire to ask any further questions. Sex education needs to start as early as elementary school and continue through pre-adolescence, teen and young adulthood years.

What to do:

1. Be an example

Teens are great at “doing as you do, not as you say.” Many teens that I have counseled are frustrated by the “double standards” set by their parents.

2. Be Straight Forward

Use proper terms for the penis, vagina, orgasm, and other parts of the body. To use slang can send the message that you are not taking this seriously, so why should they?

3. Discuss healthy boundaries with them.

Ask them what they think their physical boundaries should be. Ask if they think there will be any future consequences to their behavior. Help them to think through their choices. Sex is more than just a physical pleasure, but will also have emotional consequences as well.

4. Be discreet when your kids have friends over or spending the night.

I think this one is self-explanatory!

5. Be age appropriate.

Begin with a little bit of information, and then continue as they are able to handle it. There is no need to give the full description to kids if they cannot understand it.

6. Stay in touch

Educate yourself on what the sexual issues are that your children may be facing. Sometimes they may come right out and tell you. Other times you will need to be aware of what is going on in contemporary youth culture, and issues at their school.

Having the Sex Talk with your child can be something that enhances your relationship, rather than being scary.